The “Double Empathy” Problem in Dating
By Lisa Shanken
April 21, 2026
For years, social challenges in neurodivergent people were framed as "deficits" in empathy or social skills. However, the "Double Empathy Problem"—a concept developed by Dr. Damian Milton—suggests that the difficulty is actually a two-way street. It’s not that one person is "broken"; it's that two people with different neurotypes are essentially speaking different social languages. In dating, this often looks like missed cues, misinterpreted tones, or feeling like you're speaking a different language than your partner.
Bridging the Gap
When a neurotypical person and a neurodivergent person (or even two different neurodivergent people) interact, "common sense" isn't common. To build a bridge, we have to move toward intentionality and radical honesty. We cannot rely on subtext or "hints" because those are culturally and neurotypically bound.
- Explicit Communication: Say what you mean, literally. Instead of saying "I'm fine" when you're overwhelmed, try saying "I am feeling overstimulated and need ten minutes of quiet." This is my favorite thing about working with neurodivergent individuals-they tend to be very direct, and I think it’s amazing!
- Assumption Checks: Instead of wondering what they meant by that sigh or that look, ask for clarification. A simple "I noticed you sighed, are you frustrated or just tired?" can save hours of anxiety for all involved.
- Validating Differences: Neither style is "wrong," they are just different. Acknowledging this reduces the shame and the blame-game that often kills new relationships before they can truly start.
Finding Commonality
Dating becomes much easier when you find someone whose communication style naturally aligns with yours. It’s about finding a partner who values your directness as a strength—as a form of honesty and efficiency—rather than a flaw or a lack of politeness.
Find Your Person Ready to move beyond the confusion of mixed signals and the exhaustion of guessing? Let’s help you find a partnership rooted in authentic growth and mutual understanding. Book your free 15-minute session with Tri-Wellness today and start turning stressful interactions into genuine, clear connections.
Lisa Shanken
My passion is to help you live your healthiest and most harmonious life, but in a way that’s realistic and practical for you as a unique individual on this planet. My philosophy is all about “balance,” never a diet since a diet is not sustainable for life, aka Kill The Diet.
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Testimonials
Lisa’s weight loss plan really gave me a new insight to healthy eating and living. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January 2015. Healthy living/easting/exercise has become very important to me and my family and this program really helped me get even more on the course with this and helped me lose weight.
Danielle D, Great Neck, NY
When I heard about the 10 Day Weight Loss Challenge, I wasn’t sure if it would be a good fit, since as a physician, I understand nutrition and health (and therefore knew the dangers of fad diets, etc…), and I do my best to exercise (though not always enough). But as a single mother of 2, it’s still very challenging ti “fit in all in” (including cooking healthy meals for my children) due to my busy schedule. And when my time is short, bad habits crop up and weight gain follows.
Dr. Gila Ackerman, Boulder, CO
Psychiatrist
Lisa has made an enormous contribution to my health and strength. I have seen and felt the most fantastic changes in an amazingly short time.
Chessie F, Boulder, CO
I just wanted to say you were amazing through this 10 day process! I learned so much from you! You were very thorough in all areas of the challenge and got back to us in such a quick manner with our questions. It was a great jump start into a more healthy life style that’s for sure!
Colby E, Boulder, Colorado
I LOVE the recipes, simple, few ingredients, appealing. I like the idea of using the list of staples you provided when i was tempted to cheat!
Phyliss S, Spring House, PA
I worked with Lisa to develop a holistic wellness plan that has allowed personal growth without having to completely change my lifestyle. Her programs are designed around your personal needs, so I always feel like I've gotten the most from my sessions and leave with manageable goals. Lisa's three-prong approach to wellness (fitness, nutrition and health) is helping me live a balanced and grateful life.
Ali S., Boulder, CO
I’ve been through the ringer with different dieting plans through the years. Some helped me lose weight and some didn’t – but it didn’t matter because I would always gain it back. I didn’t know if this 10 day Weight Loss Challenge would be the answer since everyone says they have the “BEST” way to lose weight. But this one seemed to be more doable – like instead of starving myself, keeping track of calories (“been there done that – VERY annoying!”) and things I know I wouldn’t stick to.
Jill W, Park, NY
Lisa, you have been a very positive role model for me! Through the exercise and diet I’m becoming healthy and more positive about my life!!! Thanks!