What Looks Like Misbehavior Might Be Something Else Entirely

I was recently a guest on the Parenting Well Podcast with Dr. Shelly Mahon, and the question at the heart of our conversation is one I come back to constantly in my work:

How does a parent tell the difference between a child who is struggling with executive functioning, and one who is just being difficult?

The answer matters. What looks like defiance, laziness, or not caring is often something neurological happening underneath. Understanding that distinction changes everything about how you respond to executive functioning in children with ADHD and related behavioral challenges.

Executive functioning is a big umbrella. Clinically, it has three core tenets: working memory, inhibitory control, and cognitive flexibility. But in plain terms, executive functioning is about how you function in your day-to-day life.

Many people with and without formal diagnoses, including ADHD, autism, and other neurodevelopmental differences struggle with different parts of it.

As I shared on the podcast: "That doesn't mean your child is being lazy or unmotivated or defiant. It's that their brain is functioning in a different way, and we just have to learn the tools and coping skills to make their brain work the way they want it to."

One place inhibitory control shows up that consistently surprises parents is time management, where delaying immediate gratification to focus on a future task requires significant cognitive effort.

If your child's playdate gets canceled and it triggers a significant meltdown, it’s their cognitive flexibility struggling under stress, but it’s showing up as what looks like an overreaction.

The same applies to an adult who makes a wrong turn and spirals into frustration rather than rerouting smoothly. The brain's ability to shift, adapt, and regulate in the face of the unexpected is a key component of executive functioning. When it’s difficult, it shows immediately.

One point from our conversation that I want to name clearly: executive functioning challenges aren't limited to neurodivergent kids.

The amount of time we spend on screens (scrolling, swiping, and constantly switching between inputs) is a growing concern for researchers and clinicians. A 2024 WHO report found a sharp rise in problematic social media use among adolescents across 44 countries.

As I mentioned to Dr. Mahon, "Our brains are evolving as our technology evolves."

We have also lost something crucial: the ability to sit in discomfort. Boredom used to be a neurological training ground. Now, the moment discomfort arrives, a screen is right there. The practice of sitting with an uncomfortable feeling, which is exactly what builds regulation over time, is happening less and less.

A child who has a meltdown after hearing  "no" doesn’t automatically sign an executive functioning deficit. Developmental stage, parenting consistency, and context all matter.

But there are signs worth looking at more closely:

When you're seeing a cluster of these, not just one, that's when I recommend getting a neuropsych evaluation for ADHD in children. Knowing what you are working with gives you the ability to provide real support rather than guessing. Resources like CHADD and Understood.org are excellent starting points for families navigating this process.

A few things I want parents to take away from the podcast and my blog:

How consistently you follow through when you say "No” directly shapes how your child interacts with the world. Predictability, not strictness, is what neurodivergent brains need most.

Food, sleep, movement, and socialization shape behavior as much as any system or strategy. Supporting a child requires a whole-person conversation, not just a behavioral one.

On the podcast, I shared how getting into water (a shower, a pool, or hand-washing) acts as a physical pattern-interrupt for dysregulation. Long term, a mindfulness or meditation practice lowers the baseline so dysregulation does not escalate as quickly.

Neurodivergent brains tend to connect more naturally with other neurodivergent brains. A 2025 study by Foster et al. published in the Autism journal found that autistic adults reported significantly more rapport and social comfort when interacting with other autistic adults as compared to mixed neurotype settings.

If your child is struggling socially, an environment where peers share similar neurological profiles makes a meaningful difference. This is why we created Social Bloom, offering a consistent, structured space for neurodivergent adults to connect and build genuine friendships.

Giving a child responsibilities directly fosters independence. If they can follow through with small responsibilities, you will build the trust needed to empower them to make their own decisions over time.

Executive functioning coaching at Tri-Wellness starts at age 13, when a young person has developed enough independence to take meaningful action for themselves. For tailored support with executive functioning coaching for teens, our work is strength-based, whole-person, and built around what is actually happening for your teen.

If you'd like to explore what executive functioning coaching could look like for you and your family, schedule a free 15-minute call today. There's no pressure, just an open conversation.

You can listen to the full episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, read more on the Tri-Wellness blog, or get more valuable resources on neurodivergence, executive functioning, and social connection every week in our newsletter.

Have a happy, healthy day! — Lisa