The Loneliness That Doesn’t Look Like Loneliness

You might be managing. Showing up to things. Saying yes to invitations.

And still, there’s this quiet hum underneath it all. A sense that something’s missing. How you connect with others doesn’t feel the way you would like, or lead to more friendships, romance, or whatever kinds of relationships you desire in your life. 

For many neurodivergent adults, that experience is loneliness. However, it may not look the way loneliness is “supposed to look.” It’s not sitting at home with no one to call. It’s feeling like an outsider even though you’re in a room full of people. It’s coming home from a social event more depleted than when you left, wondering why you keep trying.

This kind of loneliness is real. And it’s also remarkably common among neurodivergent adults, and it’s worth understanding if you are seeking more - or better - relationships in your life.

A 2024 systematic review and meta-analysis published in the Journal of Attention Disorders found significantly higher levels of loneliness in people with ADHD, a pattern that research suggests continues into adulthood, though adult-specific studies remain limited.

What makes neurodivergent loneliness particularly difficult to address (also supported by research): neurodivergent adults may not self-identify as “lonely,” even when they are experiencing significant challenges with social connection. 

The feeling doesn’t always announce itself clearly. It shows up as exhaustion after social events, a low-level sense of disconnection, friendships that feel slightly off without being able to say exactly why, and other challenges you’ve potentially experienced

The ambiguity around this topic can make it harder to talk about, and harder to find helpful resources.

Masking is when you suppress or adapt natural neurodivergent traits to fit into neurotypical social environments. For many neurodivergent adults, it becomes so automatic that you don’t fully realize you’re doing it.

The problem is that masking is exhausting in a very specific way. It doesn’t just take energy. It prevents the kind of authentic connection that actually relieves loneliness. You can be in a conversation for an hour and come away feeling like no one actually met you, because you were “managing” the version of you in that conversation.

Over time, the “math” stops working. Because the energy you spend socializing outweighs the connection you gain from it, and gradually you find yourself pulling back because so many social environments make genuine connection so hard to access.

“Put yourself out there more.”
“Join a club.”
“Say yes to more invitations.”

Sound familiar? If any of those have worked in your life, you probably wouldn’t still be here reading this!

Standard advice for loneliness assumes the problem is a lack of social activity. For neurodivergent adults, the problem is usually not quantity. It's the environment. Most social spaces were designed around neurotypical communication styles, neurotypical sensory tolerances, and neurotypical assumptions about what connection looks like. As a neurodivergent adult, putting yourself into those spaces doesn’t solve the mismatch. It just creates more opportunities to feel it… and to struggle and suffer.

One of the most useful frameworks for understanding neurodivergent social experience is the double empathy problem, first described by autistic researcher Damian Milton. 

Communication difficulties between autistic and neurotypical people are not a deficit in the autistic person. They’re a mutual mismatch. Neurotypical people also struggle to understand autistic communication styles. They’re just rarely asked to account for that.

Research has supported these challenges. Autistic adults tend to communicate well with other autistic adults. Where connection difficulties emerge most strongly is in mixed neurotype settings, where implicit communication rules are set by neurotypical norms.

This is huge! Because it reframes what the problem truly is. It’s not that neurodivergent adults can’t connect. It’s that most environments don’t create conditions where neurodivergent adults can connect naturally.

None of that is complicated in concept. It’s just rare in practice. 

Most social environments weren’t built with any of the above factors in mind. What I’ve seen make the most consistent impact in my work is finding or creating environments where neurodivergent adults are in the room with other neurodivergent adults. 

Imagine how you might feel when you don’t have to “translate yourself” to be understood. Where you can truly be yourself (and within a supported environment with coaching and proven success). Does it bring a sense of relief? Comfort? Hope? 

That’s part of what Social Bloom at Tri-Wellness is built around. Not another networking event or forced mixer, but a group of neurodivergent adults who participate in different activities such as bowling one week, cooking together the next, maybe hiking the week after that. 

Social Bloom activities give you something fun to do, where conversation doesn't feel like pressure, but instead flows very naturally with other like-minded neurodivergent adults. Over 13 weeks, with the same people (your new friends!) showing up every time, something shifts. Friendships blossom. You feel more comfortable. You look forward to the next session. All led by professional coaches who specialize in supporting neurodivergent adults in group settings.  

If this sounds like the kind of environment you've been looking for, it might be worth exploring.

Loneliness in neurodivergent adults is often treated as a social problem when it’s actually an environment problem. If you’ve been trying to address it by doing “more” of what has proven to be unsuccessful, take a look at the environment rather than (perhaps unfairly) criticizing or judging your effort. 

At Tri-Wellness, community and connection are part of the same conversation as coaching and wellness. If you’d like to explore what support could look like, schedule a free 15-minute call today.

You can read more on the Tri-Wellness blog, or get more valuable resources on neurodivergence, wellness and connection every week in our newsletter.

Have a happy, healthy day! — Lisa